• give her one of your t-shirts to sleep in.
• give her one of your hoodies to wear so everyone knows shes yours.
• leave her cute text/notes.
• tell her she looks beautiful.-certain boy does this.
• look into her eyes when you talk to her.-certain boy does this
• let her mess with your hair.-certain boy does this
• touch her hair.-certain boy does this
• just walk around with her.-certain boy does this
• FORGIVE her for her MISTAKES.-BOY DID THIS AND I'M SO GLAD
• look at her like she's the only girl you see.-certain boy does this
• tickle her even when she says stop.-certain boy does this
• when she starts swearing at you, tell her you love her.
• let her fall asleep in your arms.
• get her mad, then kiss her.-certain boy did this
• stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything-certain boy does this everyday.
• tease her and let her tease you back.-certain boy does this
• stay up all night with her when she's sick.
• watch her favorite movie with her.
• let her wear your clothes.
• when she's sad, hang out with her.-certain boy does this
• let her know she's important.-certain boy does this
• kiss her in the pouring rain.-certain boy did this. C:
• when you fall in love with her, tell her.-certain boy told me this.
• and when you tell her, love her like you've never loved
someone before.-certain boy confessed to this.
• and,when she runs up at you crying...the first thing you say is..."who's ass am i beating today?-certain boy did this yesterday on the phone.

i love "fishey fishey".
thanks kyle. :D

I love how he surprised me outside of gildersleeve tonight.
<3

Allison needs to hurry up and told me what she found out.

oh my god.
I love tonight so much.
It's not even funny how much I love tonight.

Like, honestly.
Number one: I think I did pretty good.
Number two: I had a fansection.
Number three: Brendan made me laugh to myself and smile when I forgot to onstage. He waved his phone around and made little hearts at me.
Number four: Megen was happy.
Number five: Hayley was there.
Number six: Chloe made something for me.
Number seven: Apelt was proud.
Number eight: Colton was there<3

I LOVE OPENING NIGHT.

I

HATE

HORMONES.

KTHX.

thx colton.

eh.
life is okay at best.

I mean, I still don't understand hayley, but she doesn't seem to get that ignoring me isn't going to get her[or me] anywhere. sometimes I want to just give up.


but otherwise, this break should be fun.
haircut in two days.
:D

I BROKE UP WITH MY OBSESSIVE BOYFRIEND!
He asked me how i slept.
and how he was going to find me.
i was like
weird, much?


so yeah.
it's over.
:D

I think we should all boycott them.
I mean, seriously.
Why do we do these things??
stupid really.
Brochures about the government?
You've got to be kidding me.
Yeah frickin right.

Anyways, I've had this weird obsession with sing the sorrow today.
But. I really really like The Leaving Song[s] and This Time Imperfect, which got lumped with ...But Home in Nowhere.


For me it's ...But Home IS Nowhere.
Even though secretly, I live in Chicago. XD

Still happy.
How long will it last...?


Oh, and
I'M LAYING DOWN THE LAW. THIS IS HOW IT'S GONNA BE.
ilu night.

Sooo.
This week's been really good. I mean, like, seriously.
Today was Suessical, which Megen went to too. And we had fun and stuff.

Except her and her jerky friend gavin kept making fun of me when we had to dance and shit.
DX

And yesterday Mr. Harris ate Brendan 'cause he was 'emo'.
And kept putting his hood up.

Andd.
I want to DDR at the mall really bad.

So here it goes:

I hate this. I want to trust my bestfriend, I want not to have everything be a comeptetion, I want not to bawl everytime I hear a Fall Out Boy song, I want not to like Brendan. All I want is for things to go back to last June. Maybe a rewind button, so I could fix mistakes and have a very happy and nice life right now.

I swear, I'm going to go crazy or work up the nerve to start cutting myself. I always feel like I have to puke, and I just don't care about nearly anything anymore. All I ever want to do is be with Brendan or be holed up in my room, listening to my iPod and prentending to be asleep. I only get maybe three solid hours of sleep nowadays. It's pathetic and I'm pathetic. Maybe if I trusted anybody enough, I could tell them all this directly. But unfortunately I don't. Haylee and Square Bear lied to me that one time, I and I can't let of that. It actually made me cut my ankles a few times and I cried so much I threw up. To have two people that I trusted the most do that to me SUCKED. That's why I don't trust any of you anymore. I trust Taylor. I sorta trust Brendan and Heather. Not really Hayley, not SB, DEFINITELY not Lindsey, and not ever Kaeley or Grace, completely. I'm always paranoid that they're going to turn around and lie to me or hurt me.

Stick a knife in my heart, eh?
"Let me let you in on a little secret; you've been talking to Hayley the whole time!"
"I like Tiney."
"...I think I might like Brendan again. :/"
"Me and my bestest friend Haylee..."
I think I'm dead. Yeah, I remember all that shit WORD FOR WORD. The only people I've been able to really fall back on this year have been Taylor, Amanda, and recently Ryan[Drischeler].

So If any of you were wondering, I hope this cleared some shit up. I mean, really. This year has KILLED me. I can't listen to Patrick's voice without remembering Haylee's insults. Panic without feeling Brendan hug me. Pete's bass without Lindsey calling me a selfish bitch. I mean, really, is asking for people not to backstab me being a selfish bitch? You wonder why I'm so fucked up? Here you go.

All tis fighting was STUPID anyways. About nothing. You know what doesn't help? HORMONES, THAT'S WHAT.

I mean, FIVE HOURS, and Brendan treats me like I'm the most important girl in the world, like I'm his girlfriend. Then He's back to being my best friend. WTF? NOT FUCKING HELPING.

And neither are my parents, always breaking promises and making me feel worthless.

YOU ALL MAKE ME WANT TO GO SLICE MY SHINS OPEN, YOU KNOW THAT? I'VE DONE IT A FEW TIMES WHEN YOU REALLY JUST SAID SOMETHING OR DID SOMETHING THAT MADE ME LOSE MY TRUST IN YOU. I'VE GOTTEN REALLY CLOSE TO DOING IT MORE. I'VE HAD THE URGE TO IN CLASS, AT HOME, HELL, SOMETIMES I DREAM ABOUT IT! BUT NORMALLY, I DON'T ACTUALLY DO IT! YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE. I KNOW I REALLY COULD DIE. AND I WANT TO END THIS HELLHOLE OF A LIFE HAPPILY, AND DOING SOMETHING FUN OR WHAT NOT, NOT CRYING IN MY BATHROOM!

So thanks. Maybe I'll go hibernate for a few hours. :/



Oh, and maybe cry some to Honorable Mention.
Haylee, I want to have you earn my trust back. I want to NOT feel like it USED to be us against the world, I want it to BE usa agianst the world. Maybe next time I'll remember not to tell you something stupid like I'll never leave your side.
You ditched me for Lindsey. Chicago, everything.
ME:"What about us?"
LINDSEY:"We already decided we're leaving you behind.
HAYLEY:"Yeah, you're on your own."
I wish I could sleep through my memories, because to me, deciet really does have ways of sticking around. And everytime you and Linds are together, I really do want to disappear. I turned to From First to Last because I could connect deeply to the songs and because they didn't remind me of how things used to be between us.
I mean, I was listening to my iPod on shuffle last night, and suddenly Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner comes on, and I start crying my eyes out because I remembered us singing it in the car going to VBS and Water Country. I mean, I could feel everyting, and remember it. The sunblock and bathing suits and t shirts and shorts over them, and the weather, smells, everything. I cried so hard I almost threw up.

I just hope you take your beaten, damaged, worse for the wear, paranoid, hurt best friend back.
</3